Your guide to the ultimate beach body

We generally advocate body acceptance and positivity here at the Jar Belles, but if you’re really desperate to improve your body – we’re here to help.

It’s that time of year again. McFlurry sales are on the rise, Poundland hand fans are objects of lust, and city shorts seem like viable office wear. For many of us, summer is a time to panic. We all want to spend our hard-earned dosh on a break in the sunshine, but are our bodies ready for it? Probably not.

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Just look at this goddamn mess.

Fear not, dear readers. For instead of merely pouring insults on your quivering, beach-phobic bodies, I am here to offer some guidance. The following tips can be carried out in a relatively short amount of time, ensuring that you can be not only ‘beach ready’, but beach-fricken’-fabulous, in a matter of weeks.

1. Equipment is everything.

Sun cream, magazine, rubber ring, keys-phone-wallet – check. Beach bags are heavy! Nobody wants to spend their summer carting around spades and flippers as well, just for a bit of fun at the seaside.

Cultivate spade-like hands and flipper-like feet. Discreetly achieve flipper-feet at your desk, by weighing down the tops of your feet with heavy objects. Over time the offending body parts should spread, allowing you to swim through the water with ease.

For spade-hands, try taping your fingers together to create a shape not unlike a shovel. Over time, this should start to feel natural. Catch you later, bag-toting suckers!

2. Skin, skin skin.

Prepare your skin for the conditions you’ll be facing. Spend as much time naked in the sun as possible, and keep skin coated in a thick, oily substance, such as lard or mayonnaise. You eventually want to cultivate the appearance of a well-lubricated piece of leather, both resistant to the sun and the water.

To achieve maximum results overnight, try smearing your body in the lubricant of your choice and then wrapping yourself in cling-film. No greasy sheets for you!

3. Don’t neglect those tootsies. 

British beaches are generally covered in pebbles rather than sand, which can be painful for unaccustomed feet. Forego shoes in the months approaching summer to toughen up the soles. While this may be unpleasant at rush hour, when you may find someone’s stiletto embedded in your toe, it will offer a cool, breezy experience when enduring warm, sweaty temperatures, such as on the Central Line.

4. Bored of ombré locks?

Consider waxing your head. While it goes without saying that you should shave your head, both to reduce water resistance and drying time, waxing will provide a smoother and more long-lasting effect.

Finding someone willing to wax your head may be a problem, as it is generally frowned upon by medical practitioners and beauticians alike. However, services such as Gumtree should offer a solution. As they say in beauty magazines – no pain, no gain.

5. Beauty is on the inside. 

Finally, it’s important not to focus too much on external appearances when achieving beach body perfection. Your internal organs should be prepared too. Think – where are you more likely to drown? In the office, or at the beach?

It’s easy to improve lung capacity in a short amount of time. During bathroom breaks, take 5-10 minutes to fill up the sink and hold your head under the water. If you’re nervous, ask a colleague to supervise. In fact, why not make it a team event? See if the Marketing department can hold their breath for longer than the Sales department. It’s easy to have fun while getting ready for the summer!

These are just some of the ways you can cultivate the perfect beach body. There’s no excuse for being a slob, so give them a try! We all enjoy the extra attention that comes with achieving a look that’s hot-to-trot and with these tips, you’re sure to be the envy of everyone around.

See you at the beach!

–  Jade Slaughter is editor of The Jar Belles and has written for The F Word, Parallel and Litro magazines. Follow her on Twitter: @msjadeslaughter.